never not broken
an underworld experience of heartbreak
If you’re like me, you’ve been both plagued and comforted by inner visions—no substances required except for the drug of your own human experience. The ride you’re doing your best to enjoy despite, despite, despite…
And, if you’re like me, you’ve risked yourself enough to be shifting your hips on your bedroom floor, body shuttering silent tears, letting yourself be ravished by heartbreak.
You know as well as I do that when heartbreak comes knocking there is no use in finding the barricades. You’ve tried that. You’ve seen for yourself how you become a prisoner of your own unwillingness to participate. You know the only sane thing to do when your body gets the news is to open the door and let it have you.
To let it kill you inside, actually.
No, it’s not the fun part but the core of you knows this present death is a prerequisite for that future rebirth so might as well gather all your trembling courage and get on with it.
Even though this death by emotional flood and fire offers no guarantee of an afterlife, certainly not a life any better than the one you lost, you’re just crazy enough to take your chances.
Because some fucking how you’ve seen yourself rise out of every pile of ashes your life has made of you. Some fucking how you’ve come to see the red of your blood as the red of your birth. The smell of iron, the smell of imminent freedom. The painful physicality of heartbreak your initiation into your new body.
It will harm you, but there on your bedroom floor, you let it all in.
It’s at that moment the vision will find you, like it found me.
An inner movie screening of your very own psyche shattering and rebirthing itself a thousand times a second. Love meeting you in the place it hurts the most. The dream you cannot wake up from.
I’d like to share my own version of this vision with you now, brought to you by Akhilandeswari. (You can read about her later.)
The witches, the INFJs, and the kinky mystics will get it.
The rest of ya’ll can remain disturbed.
